笑话大全

ForthoseshelteredfewofyouwhoarenotfullyawareoftheDarwinAwards.Theseawardsaregivenannuallytothoseindividualswhodidthemostforthehumangenepoolbyremovingthemselvesfromit.

DarwinAwardwinnerseliminatethemselvesinanextraordinarilyidioticmanner,therebyimprovingourspecies'chancesoflong-termsurvival.

DARWINAWARDRUNNERS-UP:

#1-LOSANGELES,CA.AniSaduki,33,andhisbrotherdecidedtoremoveabees'nestfromashedontheirpropertywiththeaidofapineapple.Apineappleisanillegalfirecrackerwhichistheexplosiveequivalentofone-halfstickofdynamite.Theyignitedthefuseandretreatedtowatchfrominsidetheirhome,behindawindowsome10feetawayfromthehive/shed.Theconcussionoftheexplosionshatteredthewindowinwards,seriouslylaceratingAni.DecidingMr.Sadukineededstitches,thebrothersheadedouttogotoanearbyhospital.Whilewalkingtowardstheircar,Aniwasstungthreetimesbythesurvivingbees.Unbeknownsttoeitherbrother,Aniwasallergictobeevenom,anddiedofsuffocationen-routetothehospital.

#2-DerrickL.Richards,28,waschargedinAprilinMinneapoliswiththird-degreemurderinthedeathofhisbelovedcousin,KennethE.Richards.Accordingtopolice,DerricksuggestedagameofRussianrouletteandputasemiautomaticpistol(insteadofthemoretraditionalrevolver)toKen'sheadandfired.

#3-PHILLIPSBURG,NJ.Anunidentified29yearoldmalechokedtodeathonasequinedpantieshehadorallyremovedfromanexoticdanceratalocalestablishment."Ididn'tthinkhewasgoingtoeatit,"thedanceridentifiedonlyas"Ginger"said,adding"Hewasreallydrunk."

#4-(16April1999,WashingtonD.C.)Wecanthankourluckystarsthattherearetwofewerparamedicsaround.CarolandMarkwerefounddeadintheirsuburbanhomebyMark's14-year-oldson.Thecouplewerewearingrespiratorymasksattachedtoanemptycanisterofnitrousoxide.Nitrousoxide,commonlyknownaslaughinggas,producesashort-livedhigh,andisoftenusedasarelaxantindentalofficesandoutpatientclinics.Likeeveryotherpuregas,itmustbemixedwithairoroxygen,lestitcausesuffocation.Needlesstosay,CarolandMarkdidnotmixthenitrousoxidewithair.WhatmakesthisstoryatrueDarwinAwardcandidateisthatbothofthedeceasedhadenoughmedicaltrainingtohaveknownbetter.Markwasa10-yearveteranparamedicwiththeDistrictofColumbiaFireDepartment.Carolwasstudyingtobecomeanemergencymedicaltechnicianinasuburbanfiredepartment.EvenmoreamusingisaquotefromtheWashingtonD.C.FireDepartment'spublicinformationofficer,whosaidthatMarkwas"oneofthemosteducatedandhighlytrainedpeoplewehad."ThatmustalleviatetheconcernsofthousandsofD.C.residents!

#5-MOSCOW,Russia.AdrunksecuritymanaskedacolleagueattheMoscowbanktheywereguardingtostabhisbulletproofvesttoseeifitwouldprotecthimagainstaknifeattack.Itdidn't,andthe25-year-oldguarddiedofaheartwound.(It'sgoodtoseetheRussiansgettingintothespiritoftheDarwinAwards.)

#6-InFRANCE,JacquesLeFevrierleftnothingtochancewhenhedecidedtocommitsuicide.Hestoodatthetopofatallcliffandtiedanoosearoundhisneck.Hetiedtheotherendoftheropetoalargerock.Hedranksomepoisonandsetfiretohisclothes.Heeventriedtoshoothimselfatthelastmoment.Hejumpedandfiredthepistol.hebulletmissedhimcompletelyandcutthroughtheropeabovehim.Freeofthethreatofhanging,heplungedintothesea.Thesuddendunkingextinguishedtheflamesandmadehimvomitthepoison.Hewasdraggedoutofthewaterbyakindfishermanandwastakentoahospital,wherehediedofhypothermia.

#7-RENTON,WASHINGTON,USA.ARenton,Washingtonmantriedtocommitarobbery.Thiswasprobablyhisfirstattempt,assuggestedbythefactthathehadnopreviousrecordofviolentcrime,andbyhisterminallystupidchoicesaslistedbelow:1.ThetargetwasH&JLeather&Firearms...agunshop.2.Theshopwasfullofcustomers,inastatewhereasubstantialportionoftheadultpopulationislicensedtocarryconcealedhandgunsinpublicplaces.3.Toentertheshop,hehadtosteparoundamarkedPolicepatrolcarparkedatthefrontdoor.4.Anofficerinuniformwasstandingnexttothecounter,havingcoffeebeforereportingtoduty.Uponseeingtheofficer,thewould-berobberannouncedaholdupandfiredafewwildshots.Theofficerandaclerkpromptlyreturnedfire,removinghimfromthegenepool.Severalothercustomersalsodrewtheirguns,butdidn'tfire.Nooneelsewashurt.

ANDTHE1999DARWINAWARDWINNERIS.....

THOMPSON,MANITOBA,CANADA.TelephonerelaycompanynightwatchmanEdwardBaker,31,waskilledearlyChristmasmorningbyexcessivemicrowaveradiationexposure.Hewasapparentlyattemptingtokeepwarmnexttoatelecommunicationsfeed-horn.Bakerhadbeensuspendedonasafetyviolationoncelastyear,accordingtoNorthernManitobaSignalRelayspokespersonTanyaCooke.ShenotedthatBaker'searlierinfractionwasfordefeatingasafetyshut-offswitchandenteringarestrictedmaintenancecatwalkinordertostandinfrontofthemicrowavedish.Hehadtoldcoworkersthatitwastheonlywayhecouldstaywarmduringhistwelve-hourshiftatthestation,wherewintertemperaturesoftendiptofortybelowzero.Microwavescanheatwatermoleculeswithinhumantissueinthesamewaythattheyheatfoodinmicrowaveovens.ForhisChristmasshift,Bakerreportedlybroughtatwelvepackofbeerandaplasticlawnchair,whichhepositioneddirectlyinlinewiththestrongestmicrowavebeam.Bakerhadnotbeentoldaboutatenfoldboostinmicrowavepowerplannedthatnighttohandletheanticipatedincreaseinholidaylong-distancecallingtraffic.Baker'sbodywasdiscoveredbythedaytimewatchman,JohnBurns,whowasgreetedbyanodorhemistookforaChristmasroasthethoughtBakermusthavepreparedasasurprise.BurnsalsoreportedtoNMSRcompanyofficialsthatBaker'sunfinishedbeershadexploded.