笑话大全

1.Don'tcall,ever.

2.Ifyoudon'tlikeagirl,don'ttellher.It'smorefuntoletherfigureitoutbyherself.

3.Lie.

4.lie.

5.Ifyoulosesomethingthatbelongstosomeoneelse,tellthemyoumailedittothem.

6.Here'sagoodpickupline,"Mygirlfriend'spregnant,willyougooutwithme?"

7.DrinkVernors.

8.WomenwanttohearallaboutYOUconstantly!

9.Beasambiguousaspossible.Ifyoudon'twanttoanswer,anicegruntwilldo.

10.Alwaysremember:Youareaman.Therefore,nomatterwhat,itisn'tyourfault.

11.Lie.

12.Girlsfinditattractiveifamanhasfriendsthanbaths.

13.Neveraskforhelp.Evenifyoureally,reallyneedhelp-don'task.

14.Womenlikeitwhenyouignorethem.

15.Vanityisthemostimportanttraitforamantohave.Wheneveryoupassareflectivesurface,checkyourhair,clothing,etc.

16.Ifyoudon'tlikeagirl,butcan'tthinkofagoodenoughreasonwhy,justcomeupwithtrite,meaninglessexplanationslike,"Idon'tknow.Ijustdon'tlikeherpersonality."

17.If,GODFORBID,youhavetotalktoagirlonthephone,useonlymonosyllabicwordsandnoises.Bodilynoisesarepermissible.

18.TWOWORDS:Hackandspit.

19.Everyonefindsamanmoreattractiveifhecanwritehisnameinurine.

20.Onesurewaytomakeagirllikeyouistogoafterherbestfriend.Shewillthenseewhatshe'smissingandloveyoufornotgivinguponher.

21.Tellheryouwillcall.Then,referbacktorule#1.

22.Saythingslike,"Wha...?"

23.Don'twearmatchingclothes.Peoplewillthinkyourgirlfriendpickeditout,anditwillcrampyourstyleonpickingupchicks.

24.Lie.

25.Denyeverything.Everything.

26.Goodbreakupline,"It'snotyou,it'sme."

27.Ifyoulikeagirl,tellallyourfemalefriendsabouther.Becauseifanyofyourfemalefriendslikeyou,they'llreallywanttoknow.

28.Don'thaveaclue.

29.Ifyougetaclue,pretendyoudidn'tanddisregardit.

30.Nomeansyes.

31.Yesmeansno.

32.Lie.

33.Makeupsomethingtolieabouttostayinpractice.Improvise.

34.DidImentionthatyoushouldbeabletolie.

35.Feelings?Whatfeelings?

36.Neverlisten.

37.Lifeisonebigcompetition.Ifsomeoneisbetterthanyouatanything,eitherpretendit'snottrueorkicksomeass.

38.Gaysareanunacceptablepartofoursociety.Takeituponyourselftopersonallyirradiateallofthemfromtheplanet.

39.DONOTmakedecisionsaboutrelationships.Ifyouarebackedintoacornerandmustmakeadecision,stall.Ifyoustillmustcomeupwithananswer,leaveyourselfaloopholeforescape.

40.Everysentencethatanyonesayscanbecontortedtohavesexualmeaning.Doso.

41.Thisisagoodplacetomentionyoushouldbeabletolie.

42.Lie.

43."Love"isnotinyourvocabulary.don'teventhinkaboutsayingit.

44.Ageneralrule:Ifwhateveryou'redoingdoesnotsatisfyyoucompletelyin5minutes,it'sreallynotworthit.

45.Ditchyourgirlfriend.Begandpleaduntilyougetherback.Ditchheragain.Repeatcycle.

46.Lie.

47.ALWAYSapologize.NEVERmeanit.

48.Ifyouhurtsomeone,pretendyoucare.Don't.

49.Trytohaveagoodmemory,butit'sOKifyouforgettrivialthings.Youknow,likeyourgirlfriend'sb-dayandeyecolor.

50.Ignorancesolvesproblems.Ifyoucan'tseethem,theycan'tseeyou.

51.Itisneveryourdutytotakeresponsibilityforyouractions.

52.BlameeverythingonPMS.


53.Complainaboutnotgettinganymail.WhenpeopleFINALLYfeelsorryforyouandsendyoumail,ignoreitandcontinuecomplaining.

54.Lie.

55.Playwithyourfoodonlyifyouareinapublicplacewithpeopleyoudon'tknow.

56.Automaticallyassumethatshedoesn'tknowathingaboutcarsorelectricalequipment.Whenshefinallygivesinandletsyoufixsomething,tryyourbesttocompletelyruinit.

57.Ifpeopleexpressextremedisgustatwhateveryouaredoing,DON'TSTOP!Thisisthedesiredreaction.

58.WhenshefinallyconvincesyoutotakehertoProm,refusetodance.Besides,you'rejusttheretostandaroundandlookcool,right?

59.Youaremale,thereforeyouwantquality.

60.InviteyourgirlfriendtoaPanteraconcert.Whenshegetsinjuredinthemoshpit,getyourfriendtotakehertotheemergencyroom.

61.Lie.

62.Ifyoucheatonagirl,butnoonefindsout,thentechnicallyyou'vedonenothingwrong.

63.Cryingisnotmanly.Thenagain,ifyouareaman,whatdoyouhavetocryabout,anyway?

64.Ifthequestionbeginswith"why,"theansweris"Idon'tknow."

65.Womenareyournapkins.Usethem,andthrowthemaway.

66.Whenshegetsacold,tocheerherup,tellherexactlyhowredhernoseisandhowblearyhereyesare.Expecthertobegratefulthatyou'restayingwithher.

67.Lie.


68.Otherpeoples'painisstrictlyforyouramusement.Laughlongandloud.

69.Lie.

70.GeneralRule:DifferentisBAD.

71.Ifanyoneasksyouforafavor...makeabigdealabouthowharditisforyoutodoit,remindthemofthishugefavoryou'vedoneforthematleastevery5minutesfortherestoftheirlife.

72.Planformonthsaheadtofinallygotothatwrestlingmatchwithallyourfriends,onyouranniversaryofcourse,butneglecttotellyoursignificantotheruntilthedaybefore.Whenshestartscrying,offertotakeheralong.Whenshekicksyououtofthehouse,moveinwithyourfriendsandwatchwrestling.

73.Lie.(truestory.)

74.Ifagirlbreaksupwithyoubecauseyou'reinlovewithsomeoneelse,shehasnorighttobeupset.Because,youknow,SHE'stheonewhowantedtoendtherelationship.

75.Lie.

76.Practicegrunting5timesaday.Whilesomemayfinditacceptabletogruntonlybeforethemorningcoffee,thetruemalewillonlyanswerinmonosyllabicform,exceptforemergencies,i.e..whensomeportionofyourbodyisonfire.

77.Neveraskfordirections.Ever.Evenifyoufindyourselfcrossingthestatelinewhenallyouwantedwastogobuysomeammo.

78.Neverevershowemotion.Noexceptions.IncludingtheemergencylistedinRule1.

79.Refusetotalkabouttherelationship.Getuptightwhenevershementions"love"or"commitment."

80.Leaveyourboxersonthediningroomtable.Severalpairs.Pretendtheyaren'tthereforaslongasyoucan.

81.Nevertalktoafemale,nomatterhowlongyou'veknownher,whenyou'rewithyourfriends.

82.WatchWWFWrestlingandbelieveit'sreal.Attempttogetticketstothematches.

83.Tellyourgirlfriendshedoesn'tkissaswellasyourex.

84.Realizethatyourphonebilliswaytoohigh,andyoucouldn'tpossiblycallanyofyourfemalefriends,evenifit'slocal.

85.Beearlyforeverythingordon'tshowupatall.